Over the course of my career, I occasionally get a new patient who is a middle or older middle aged parent -- usually a mother -- and her problem is her adult offspring -- usually her son. The problem is variable, and it can include an adult offspring with mental health problems, but who is not compliant with treatment, or substance abuse problems, or gambling problems, or threats to commit suicide, or some other attention-grabber. The "child's" parent is seeing me because she has spent her son's life bailing him out of one imminent disaster or another, and she can't do it any more. Her son has wound up dependent on her, and she either can't afford to keep paying his gambling or drug bills, so someone won't break his legs or kill him, or she's just running out of steam. (Or she's having increasing trouble suppressing her anger and resentment.)
The first time I had this conversation was in the 1980s, and I thought the conversation would be straightforward. I explained to the mother that her son is her child, but not a child, and he has never grown up. She has enabled him to behave like a child, because she protects him from the consequences of his behavior. (And if her concern is that if she doesn't bail him out, something terrible might happen, she's not wrong. But that's true for all of us.) The mother's having spent her son's adulthood enabling him handicaps him, and it makes him dependent on his mother, even though he's an adult.
I have told many people many times that it is the job of children, from as soon as they're old enough to do their job, to become capable and independent, including independent of their parents. It is the job of parents to permit, and even encourage, their children to become capable and independent, including independent of them. (I add that if they have no other way to think about this, they should understand that if everyone gets his and her wish, the offspring will outlive their parents. If offspring are not capable and independent, including independent of their parents, when their parents get old and die, and the offspring are then in their 40s, 50s, 60s, or maybe even 70s, the offspring are in deep trouble.)
(Parents don't get to let go of their offspring, and assume the offspring will do what the parents would do, and not make any mistakes, including mistakes the parents already made.)
Well, the first time I had this conversation, and the parent responded to me, I was shocked. That was until I found out over the years and decades that the response I got is always the response. It's the only response: "yeah, but I won't know. I'll be dead then."
So, the parent isn't bailing out their offspring for the sake of the offspring. They're doing it for themselves, so no one will be mad at them, or criticize them, or accuse them of being withholding, or unhelpful, or not a loving and caring enough parent, or not doing enough for their offspring. And what this will cost the offspring? Not the parents' problem. They won't even know. They'll be dead then.
Today, one of my online sources of news/information talked about how the environment, specifically glaciers, are deteriorating. "We need to start planning for when the glaciers are gone, according to a new study. [As Glaciers Melt, a New Study Seeks Protection of Ecosystems That Emerge in Their Place (cheddar.com)]. It found that one fourth to one half or even more of them, not counting Antarctica or Greenland, will melt by 2100. That means preparing for more floods and finding alternative water sources for farms that rely on them to irrigate crops."
Yeah, unless you're just worried about yourself, and right now, and in 2100, you won't know: you'll be dead then. And if that creates a problem for your offspring, or theirs, and everyone else, what are they going to do? Come to your grave and criticize you?
No comments:
Post a Comment