Sniff, sniff. Hmm.

I received a somewhat convoluted e-mail yesterday.  It was sent to me by a resident, who seems to have gotten it from Steve Bernard, who appears to have forwarded the original e-mail, which was from Noah Jacobs, except Steve added his own little pitch, which was for readers to contact Noah if they had anything to say about the matter at hand.  Noah appeared to be taking some sort of poll regarding satisfaction, or not, with our water.  He appears to be dissatisfied with his.

So the first curiosity is the circuitous route this communication took.  Why didn't Noah simply send his request for feedback to everyone whose e-mail address he has?  He has mine.  If he wanted more addresses, why didn't he just ask Steve for his list?  If Steve refused to give it to him (is Steve by any chance controlling what Noah knows?), why didn't he, Steve, simply forward without comment?  And why didn't Steve include me?  He has my address, too.  All, as I say, curious.

Noah's problem: It appears Noah doesn't like the water that comes out of his tap.  He referenced the taste, the smell, and the color.  He didn't say he called a plumber, to see if there is a problem with his pipes.  No, he solicited possible similar complaints from his neighbors.  He seemed to say people had come to him with complaints.  Or Steve said they came to him.  She's my sister and my daughter.  This part is much more murky than the water.  And frankly, it smells worse.

Being a neighbor and all, and setting aside completely my feelings of offense and neglect that Noah didn't ask me for feedback, I cheerfully and generously gave him some.  I'm just that type of guy.  I told him I had no problem with my water, none of my friends complain about theirs, I have a purification system anyway, as many people do, and I was especially happy that our water is so cheap.  (It is.  Even Noah agreed to that.)  And I offered that he could come over any time, for a glass of water.  He's welcome to check it out.

Do not accuse Noah of not being sharp as a tack.  He is.  He immediately pointed out the great expense I had gone to to purify my water (great "personal" expense of time and money, he informed me), and further (Aha, Jonas, you conniving and hypocritical rascal), he nailed me on the ultimate discrepancy: if I'm satisfied with the water, why did I expend my considerable financial resources (well, that's how he made it sound) to purify it?  I'm telling you, if you can't stand the heat, stay out of Jacobs' kitchen.

What could I say?  He had me.  I tried to tell him that I did not spend much money on my system, I never said or implied I spent a lot on it, I used a system that was more comprehensive than was necessary (I got a deal on it), there are even cheaper systems at Home Depot, and many people just put a filter on the tap.  People do that all over the country.  But no, Noah had satisfied himself that he had caught me, and no more interaction was necessary.  So I didn't hear back.  I picture him blowing the lingering smoke off the end of the barrel of his gun, and twirling it back into the holster.  And I imagine a call to his sponsor, saying something like "I think I got him, Sheriff."

Which brings me to the overarching curiosity.  No one in Biscayne Park ever heard of Noah Jacobs until Steve Bernard propped him up with a speech and a list of complaints, and trotted him out to a Commission meeting, to articulate Steve's usual laundry list of complaints.  Then, Steve got Noah elected, and Steve's other protegees elected Noah Mayor.  Noah has dutifully parroted each of Steve's pet gripes, even about things Noah clearly doesn't understand, and requiring Steve to suggest specific phrases Noah should use.  Now, Noah seems to be trying to scare up a complaint about the water, another Bernard theme, and Bernard seems to be shepherding it, at least.  So is all of this remarkably coincidental, or should we be asking the implied question, Mayor "Jacobs?"